Just Listen to the Little Ones

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Just Listen to the Little Ones

Yesterday we visited my parents tombstone at the cemetery, and gathered with extended family for a BBQ. I am so blessed with some of the most amazing sisters:)

After the water-fight most of the adults gathered in the shade for watermelon. As I looked at these women I love I thought of some of the struggles they have faced, and wondered if they too had struggles they didn’t mention. When we were girls we certainly didn’t keep secrets from each other. Sometimes marriage and family can change that a little.

I looked at my nieces and nephews. With my new awareness of statistics, I wondered if any of them were trapped by the monster of addiction. If the numbers hold true, some should be. What could I do to help these sweet children who are old enough be become trapped, but not old enough to understand the consequences?

I can listen. I can be a friend. I can demonstrate my love for them. As many of them embark into adulthood, I will pray that if they are ever in need of help and are unable to speak to a parent, that they will feel comfortable speaking to me.

What Exactly Is Forsaken?

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Today I decided to weed the back garden and the grape vines. Before you make the mistake of thinking me a gardener, you should know the previous owners of my home were obviously hobbits, and loved everything that grows. Since I am not a hobbit, the poor yard has been in decline for 15 years.

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As my knees and back begin to get weary, I thought of how often I found myself repeating this chore. If I do a good job in the spring, and cover with fresh bark, I should be pretty good around the flowers and shrubs until next year. But there will be next year…

It made me think about sin. When I was in kindergarten, I had sticky fingers. My family was very poor. I knew stealing was sinful. Sometimes, though, I wanted things my family could never buy for me. So I took them.

I am no longer a child thief. I have repented for these sins. It has been decades since I shoplifted anything. This weekend, though, I am house sitting some silly animals, and for the first time in a long time I felt tempted to walk out with more than what is mine.

I thought I had forsaken that sin. Why am I being tempted again? Is it because I didn’t really repent the first time? Or is the cunning one really that persistent?

Since I have been attending support group, and learning the 12 steps, I told my husband what I wanted to take, and that I knew better, but I was struggling.

He told me we didn’t need it, and he knew I was better than that.

I don’t understand this new twist. I will be glad when the weekend is over.

The Huh Hug

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Today while I was at work my husband sent a confusing text. Personal texting is supposed to be kept to a minimum, so I responded, “huh?”

For once, autocorrect did me a favor, “hug!”

Apparently this pleased him because he responded with verbal mushiness.

It made me wonder just how unapproachable I have become.

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I certainly don’t intend to be cold. Since I discovered my husband has a pornography addiction it is more difficult for me to hug him or proposition him. I hadn’t considered that my behavior could be affecting his.

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I will try to hand out more hugs this weekend.

Have a great holiday:)

FORGIVINESS and TRUST

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FORGIVINESS and TRUST

One of my battles… forgiveness and trust… has been clawing at my insides like great bengals in a territorial dispute. How do I forgive my husband for all of damage his pornography addiction has done to our spiritual, emotional, sexual and financial health? How do I trust him to forsake his addiction when the reason he started attending group is because I caught him red handed?

For weeks I have seen forgiveness and trust as tangled together like a ball of black, white and orange fur. Then at group our facilitator shared she believed they could be separate. SEPARATE?

I want to forgive my husband because I love him. But I am definitely NOT ready to trust him. I like the idea of just focussing on the forgiveness for now.

Wearing the Mask of Normal

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When I accidentally discovered my husband was addicted to pornography, I wanted to go back to bed for a very long time. Unfortunately, our blended family has five kids, I manage the office of a local utility company, and I teach the 3-yr-olds on Sunday. Who has time to languish?

Every morning I get up early for prayer and scripture reading with the family and pretend that everything is normal. I try to breath and let go during yoga. Before work the mask is back on. I wear it so well my boss recently complimented my performance and gave me a raise.

After work we are all busy with homework, sports, music, chores, dinner, life. My most perceptive child no longer lives at home, so no one… not even my husband… knows how much I’m struggling… until I go to group and bawl my face off.

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I want to rip off the mask for good and scream ‘I married an addict!’ I want everyone to know so none of us have to keep secrets anymore. I know most of our family and friends would support him in his recovery. If THE SECRET wasn’t secret anymore we could talk honestly about the danger of pornography with our sons.

If fact, I want to sponsor come clean Sunday! Everyone can wear a white shirt with their favorite sins penned in red. None of us are perfect. Why do so many of us pretend to be? When people ask us how we are, why do we always say ‘good’? I am absolutely certain that my husband is not the only man in our congregation that is addicted to pornography. Why can’t Christians all support each other so no one has to wear a mask? Why are so many Christians still so quick to judge?

Obviously I need to relax…

Let GO and Let GOD…

(putting back on the mask…)

 

Will a New Dress Make Him Want Me?

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Will a New Dress Make Him Want Me?

I bought myself a new dress… not because I needed… or even wanted one. I would much rather spend my money visiting my son out of state, or planning my daughters wedding.

My husband and I had a social event, and in a moment of crazy, I thought he might find me more attractive in a new dress. He said very little about the dress when it was time to go. Later, on the dance floor, I couldn’t leave it alone, ” You didn’t say anything about my dress…”

Fishing for compliments is ridiculous. Does anyone really believe the ones they catch? When will I learn?!

Since I can’t return the dress, I will enjoy it. The fabric is smooth, and it is my favorite color. Perhaps I will pack it for Fourth of July weekend:)