When I accidentally discovered my husband was addicted to pornography, I wanted to go back to bed for a very long time. Unfortunately, our blended family has five kids, I manage the office of a local utility company, and I teach the 3-yr-olds on Sunday. Who has time to languish?
Every morning I get up early for prayer and scripture reading with the family and pretend that everything is normal. I try to breath and let go during yoga. Before work the mask is back on. I wear it so well my boss recently complimented my performance and gave me a raise.
After work we are all busy with homework, sports, music, chores, dinner, life. My most perceptive child no longer lives at home, so no one… not even my husband… knows how much I’m struggling… until I go to group and bawl my face off.
I want to rip off the mask for good and scream ‘I married an addict!’ I want everyone to know so none of us have to keep secrets anymore. I know most of our family and friends would support him in his recovery. If THE SECRET wasn’t secret anymore we could talk honestly about the danger of pornography with our sons.
If fact, I want to sponsor come clean Sunday! Everyone can wear a white shirt with their favorite sins penned in red. None of us are perfect. Why do so many of us pretend to be? When people ask us how we are, why do we always say ‘good’? I am absolutely certain that my husband is not the only man in our congregation that is addicted to pornography. Why can’t Christians all support each other so no one has to wear a mask? Why are so many Christians still so quick to judge?
Obviously I need to relax…
Let GO and Let GOD…
(putting back on the mask…)