It’s All About Triggers… And I Don’t Mean the Horse

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So in a brave attempt to communicate I asked my husband if he would please share some of his triggers with me.

Let me back up. The previous weekend we worked in the yard like plantation workers in early southern America. This weekend, when I inquired what we should do on Saturday he replied, “Not work in the yard.” So we played and shopped and after dinner sat down in front of the television to watch an old 80’s movie that had a pretty fleshy lovemaking scene. I had forgotten about that point in the plot. 

Instead of my usual eye-rolling-totally-unrealistic attitude, I was completely panicked. What if this caused my husband to relapse?

 I gritted my teeth for another 30 seconds and the movie moved on. I didn’t. I sat there wondering what triggers the need to view pornography for my husband? image
So the next day I asked him.

I did not like his response: When we don’t make love often enough.

I kept a calm expression, apologized for not feeling amorous as often as he does, gave him some pointers on physical invitations that are guaranteed to get some action… and never mentioned how much I disagreed with him. 

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I believe we turn to addictions for emotional reasons. Since my husband has struggled with this addiction for 30~ish years, well before he had a sexual relationship with anyone, how can lack of sex be the culprit? I think it is more likely that he turns to pornography when he feels hurt. I know it can be hurtful for a partner to turn down my invitation.

 

Again, I am open for feedback! Am I totally off-base this time?

 

11 thoughts on “It’s All About Triggers… And I Don’t Mean the Horse”

  1. You are not totally off base with that. Maybe your husband feels that having more sex with you will help his addiction. I do not agree with that, wholeheartedly. But it has been said by some professional sex counselors that the more a husband sees of his wife, as far a her nakedness, the less likely he will look elsewhere for it. But you must also remember what porn does to your husbands brain. I will email you an e-book on that.

    I will be blunt here. His addiction has nothing to with you, your beauty, your marriage or your sex life.

    It is however an issue of the heart. And by that I mean a bad heart. Because porn is sin, plain and simple. He has a sin problem. One that he needs to take to the Father and leave it there. He needs to seek God and find out the source of his addiction. Seek forgiveness and give God control.

    I pray daily for mine, in that I do not go back. I pray when I wake up, before I go to work and before I go to sleep. Yes, I can look at the Victoria Secrets add every morning when I go to the mall and just say man she’s pretty and think nothing of it. That was not my trigger. My trigger was depression. But then I got more depressed afterwards.

    Sorry for the long comment.

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    • Thank you Stewart. Please do not apologize for your long comments:) I am seeking understanding, because understanding helps me find compassion, and compassion helps me find forgiveness.

      I really appreciate your willingness to share. You have always been very open and supportive. If I bumped into you on the street and recognized you, I would probably give you a hug 🙂

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  2. Another long answer…
    I asked this question to a trusted male friend who has struggled with pornography. His reply was that looking at pornography was an attempt to find emotional intimacy through physical means. He wanted to feel desirable as a man, and pornography allowed him to fantasize that he was desirable to these women – and to gain quick pleasure,too. He admitted that real intimacy (physical, as well as emotional) takes hard work – pornography was “easy.” So he settled for this pseudo-intimacy.
    He also said that the upside-down thinking seen in TV, movies, and pornography (woman pursues man, man does not need to to anything but respond) twisted his thinking about relationships. God’s plan for relationships – the way it REALLY works – is completely opposite. The more he watched pornography, the more twisted his thinking became.
    It was only after he began seeking affirmation and truth through Jesus and accountability with other men that his thinking changed, changing his behavior, too.
    He suggested you would find great help through this organization. http://regenerationministries.org
    Finally, he absoulutely agreed that your husband’s addiction is not about you.

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  3. I sort of disagree with some of this. It doesn’t matter if your husband sees you naked all day and you have sex for hours every day. Addiction (porn, food, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.) is a comfort mechanism. Addicts likely have poor boundaries, have not been taught or shown how to cope with difficulties. Saying it is a sin is one thing if that is your religious beliefs, but it makes me think of labeling him a “bad” man which is counterproductive. He is a sick man, not a bad man. I know it is a very complicated and not easily answered issue.

    I can agree with the comment about it not being about you. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.

    Also, his answer about saying that you as a couple don’t make love enough sounds manipulative and justifying. Of course you may not be interested in sex because his actions have caused deep pain and betrayal!

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  4. I believe we turn to addictions for emotional reasons.
    Addiction research proves your belief is spot on. Normally I’d supply a link to document that, it I’m too lazy tonight. Shoot me later 😉

    I’m sorry I was late to this discussion, it was tremendous!

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