Gratitude

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Recently I considered auditioning for the next NyQuil commercial. My immune system’s preparation was allowing me to experience a tenacious virus that has left me in a horizontal state all weekend.

My sweet husband has been fabulous; cooking, fetching beverages, doing dishes. He even ran to the store for hummus and Emergen-C.

He also sat next to me on the couch, stroked my unwashed hair and ignored my protests to quarantine me. Why would he expose himself to the plague any more than necessary?

Because in spite of his addiction, he loves me. He knows when I am very sick physical touch is EXACTLY what I want.

One thing that has been difficult about the discovery of his porn addiction is my love language is physical touch. Initially, when I was hurting, the last thing I wanted was to be touched in any way. Thankfully as I have begun to heal we have discovered a new intimacy. Part of my healing was his understanding that physical touch is just as important when we are not making love.

I am so thankful I am married to a man who is willing to be sick next week so I can feel less miserable now. Next week I will be a great nurse too.

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New Life & Dead End

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When most of us find out our partner has a porn addiction it is immediately clear the life we shared is not what we thought it was. Soon thereafter we ask the next question, “What will our life be now?”IMG_1085.PNG

When I first discovered my husbands dirty little secret, when I was overcome with anger and bitterness, I didn’t know what I wanted for my new life. I didn’t know if he belonged in it.

An addict in recovery is carving out a new life every minute of every day… but a life with limitations and a few dead ends:

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Meetings: Addiction recovery meetings are WONDERFUL… necessary in my opinion… but reality is the time commitment is substantial… especially when the addict is struggling and attends daily. My husband and I have missed a lot of social gatherings for group meetings.

Family: Not everyone agrees with the increasing number of studies around the globe on the dangers of pornography. Extended family functions become very unpleasant when in front of everyone siblings encourage an addict to, “ditch the conservative religious freak spouse because there is nothing wrong with you.”

There is definitely a learning curve for the people who love the addict to learn about pornography addiction. It is appropriate to be kind and patient while they learn. If, however, the addict is really seeking recovery, and extended family members or friends are trying to persuade otherwise, the addict may choose to limit an unhealthy relationship. If the other party is offended it can mean the end of family party invitations.

Vacations: Some porn addicts are not triggered by copious amounts of nearly naked bodies on a beach, but some are. An addict dedicated to recovery may need to skip some recreational spots, at least for a while.

Electronic Devices: One problem with pornography is the easy availability. Every person with a smart phone has a porn player in their pocket! A porn addict surfing the Internet can be like an alcoholic walking into a bar. Addicts may need to cancel cable and find a ‘dumb’ phone during recovery. Lack of cable frustrates everyone in our house during football season.

You might be a lingerie loser if…

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Today at work I kept thinking my bra strap felt too tight. The chocolate covered raisins on New Years couldn’t do that much damage, but after lunch I decided to go into the restroom and unhook my double-barreled torture device… and discovered I was wearing two instead of one! That’s right! I was so tired when I got dressed this morning I put a bra on, forgot, and put on another.

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One of the problems of my husbands porn addiction is my new attitude about lingerie. When I first found out I donated all of my wardrobe. As we have tried to work on our marriage my taste for bedroom clothing has not returned.

I am so out of touch with women’s underclothing I didn’t even notice my mistake this morning. I guess he will just have to be patient for a while…