Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:
Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
Admit that your life has become unmanageable.
It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?
I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.
Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.I swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦
I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…
Yesterday my husband mentioned how long it has been since we made love. I was surprised at the length of time… not only because I generally have more of an appetite than he does… but because I hadn’t even noticed it had been so long.
When I first discovered he was a porn addict, some of our intimacy patterns suddenly made sense…
* His genitals are his only erogenous zone.
* Sometimes he is unable to achieve an erection.
* He avoids intimacy if he has been home alone for a while.
* Other times he said he had an orgasm, but his body gave no sign during lovemaking, and there is no evidence of ‘his seed’.
For the last two years while we both attended addiction recovery groups I fought really hard to at least maintain the physical intimacy we shared. However when I recently discovered he was REGULARLY relapsing, and lying about his sobriety date, something changed inside me.
Obviously it is important we share physical intimacy. It is just so hurtful that at bedtime he would rather roll towards the wall, put his earphones in so he doesn’t ‘keep me awake’, tell me he is listening to music on his iphone, and gorge on pornography instead 😨 More and more I find myself curled up alone on my side of the mattress.
It is what we are all looking for… what oftentimes eludes us.
After reviewing yesterday’s post I wished I would have demonstrated even a granule of hope. Pretending to feel positive emotions to please the reader, however, is for works of fiction. This site is about being real.
That’s not to say I can’t give hope… It just might not be every post… Or even every other post.
As tomorrow is Mothers Day, I have hope in tomorrow:
– Hope that my grown children will call me
– Hope that the children at home will be kind
– Hope that our children will escape the influences of this addiction
I am sad to say that this week I am certainly not feeling very free. Two years ago I discovered my husband was a porn addict, and began attending a recovery program for spouses. He began attending a 12 Step program.
We have never gotten to the point where he is willing to talk about his addiction, so I am trying to be patient and encouraging. Each week he tells me how many days sober he is. I can’t explain why, but lately… I just knew he was lying. My gentle inquiries were met with firm denial, “I’m doing great.”
A while later I was scrutinizing our Verizon bill because somehow our data usage had tripled. (One guess which phone it was.) He apologized and explained he had been watching YouTube videos on guns during work breaks.
I hate it when the addict lies to me. Especially when it’s so damn obvious, and he thinks he is sooooo smooth.
In support group they tell us not to spy on our man because it will drive us crazy. I respect that. However, I was also really sick of listening to him brag about a sobriety date in the hundreds that was a complete and total LIE. Mostly, I just wanted to know if the past two years was just a stack of lies. Thirty seconds on his iPhone showed enough open windows accessing pornagraphy to destroy any positive thing he has ever said about his ‘recovery’.