Settling for Less

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This week I broke. We were laying in bed in the dark, and silent tears were streaming down onto my pillow. My husband asked me a question, and I replied quickly, in one word, trying to mask the emotion flooding through me. He inquired if everything was ok, and I replied that it was late. But he wouldn’t let it go…

  
 It can’t be explained, but after a few more of his questions, the dam broke, and suddenly the tears were accompanied by shaking and great gulps of air. Initially, he was angry. He got up and prepared to leave. The sound of the bedroom door unlatching was nearly drown out by my embarrassing emotional outburst… but he was still in the room. Slowly the addict released the handle and came around to my side of the bed.

  
 
The first words that stuttered out of my mouth were, “Why did you choose me!?” He was hurt and confused. Wasn’t it obvious that he loved me? “I’m still here,” he said like it was worthy of an Olympic gold medal. Of course it didn’t answer my question.

Since discovering his pornography addiction, I have seen the kind of women that turn him on. They are nothing like me. When we were dating did he think, “Well, she’s not an 18-year-old red head that’s a size 2 with an F cup, but I like her new car?” Did he just settle for me because he couldn’t get what he REALLY wanted?

He told me I was beautiful, and he loves me, and he doesn’t want anyone else. I look in his big, gorgeous eyes and think of all his delicious lies that I have swallowed. When I bring up that his taste in pornography makes me wonder why he picked me, he replies that those women mean nothing. I am silent, not because I believe him, but because the futility of this midnight conference is clear. 

While drifting off to sleep I marvel at his word, ‘nothing’… but that is another post all on its own…

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2 thoughts on “Settling for Less

  1. Precious sister, I am praying for you. You are loved with an everlasting love, and the Lover of your soul cherishes you and delights in you. May you hear His voice singing love over you all day long. (Jer. 31:3, Zeph. 3:17)

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