Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:
Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
Admit that your life has become unmanageable.
It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?
I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.
Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.I swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦
I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…
Yesterday my husband mentioned how long it has been since we made love. I was surprised at the length of time… not only because I generally have more of an appetite than he does… but because I hadn’t even noticed it had been so long.
When I first discovered he was a porn addict, some of our intimacy patterns suddenly made sense…
* His genitals are his only erogenous zone.
* Sometimes he is unable to achieve an erection.
* He avoids intimacy if he has been home alone for a while.
* Other times he said he had an orgasm, but his body gave no sign during lovemaking, and there is no evidence of ‘his seed’.
For the last two years while we both attended addiction recovery groups I fought really hard to at least maintain the physical intimacy we shared. However when I recently discovered he was REGULARLY relapsing, and lying about his sobriety date, something changed inside me.
Obviously it is important we share physical intimacy. It is just so hurtful that at bedtime he would rather roll towards the wall, put his earphones in so he doesn’t ‘keep me awake’, tell me he is listening to music on his iphone, and gorge on pornography instead 😨 More and more I find myself curled up alone on my side of the mattress.
It is what we are all looking for… what oftentimes eludes us.
After reviewing yesterday’s post I wished I would have demonstrated even a granule of hope. Pretending to feel positive emotions to please the reader, however, is for works of fiction. This site is about being real.
That’s not to say I can’t give hope… It just might not be every post… Or even every other post.
As tomorrow is Mothers Day, I have hope in tomorrow:
– Hope that my grown children will call me
– Hope that the children at home will be kind
– Hope that our children will escape the influences of this addiction
A few months ago my recovering-porn-addict-husband confessed to my siblings his addiction. He was terrified, but felt as part of his recovery it was the right thing to do.
My family is a conservative Christian family; the kind that believes in “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged…” ( St. Luke 6:37 ) He knew some of them would be uncomfortable and struggle, but had every reason to believe these atonement-relying disciples of Christ would eventually love and accept him as before.
Unfortunately the Financial Matriarch of my family instead has decided that I am no longer worthy of my inheritance. Sigh.
Of course, I do not have the right to judge my sister in charge of the estate. It hurts to be outcast by people I love for my husbands misdeeds, though.