You Can’t Give Me What I Want

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(Rated PG-13 for Intimate References)

  
Even though the discovery of my husbands porn addiction has killed most of my desire for physical intimacy, I recognize its importance in a marriage, and purposely try to jump-start my desire regularly by:

* Recreating old romantic memories as a surprise 

* Reminiscing with him on date night about our favorite encounters

* Watching a sappy romantic movie in bed (kind of tacky, but simple to plan)

Our last intimate encounter began with gentle cuddling and kissing which slowly progressed to the point where both of us were ravenous. I gasped, “What do you want?” He replied, “You can’t give me what I want.”

  

(beeeeeeeep)

My husband and I are middle aged. He is not as lean as he used to be, and I have a knee injury. The knee makes it painful for me to ‘ride’, although I have played the cowgirl because he likes it. For the last year or so, though, he is too round for me to straddle him. A half-squat half-straddle gives me the traction I need, but is even more painful than than just trying to ride. We have talked about the pain of this position.

  
When I looked at him, he explained,“I want you to ride me, but you can’t do that.”

OUCH. Then why bring it up?  That’s like me telling him, “I want you to earn more money, but you can’t do that.”

This is where I’m supposed to describe what I have learned, and turn this post into a positive experience. This time, dear readers, the positive outlook will have to come from your comments. Although, as always, I welcome any comments.

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HONESTY:

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Step 1:

Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:

  1. Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
  2. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?

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I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.

Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.imageI swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦

I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…

My Sexy Side Packed Her Bags…

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… And Went On Vacation Without ME!!!

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Yesterday my husband mentioned how long it has been since we made love. I was surprised at the length of time… not only because I generally have more of an appetite than he does… but because I hadn’t even noticed it had been so long.

When I first discovered he was a porn addict, some of our intimacy patterns suddenly made sense…

* His genitals are his only erogenous zone.
* Sometimes he is unable to achieve an erection.
* He avoids intimacy if he has been home alone for a while.
* Other times he said he had an orgasm, but his body gave no sign during lovemaking, and there is no evidence of ‘his seed’.

For the last two years while we both attended addiction recovery groups I fought really hard to at least maintain the physical intimacy we shared. However when I recently discovered he was REGULARLY relapsing, and lying about his sobriety date, something changed inside me.

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Obviously it is important we share physical intimacy. It is just so hurtful that at bedtime he would rather roll towards the wall, put his earphones in so he doesn’t ‘keep me awake’, tell me he is listening to music on his iphone, and gorge on pornography instead 😨  More and more I find myself curled up alone on my side of the mattress.

I need an aphrodisiac.

 

 

 

Till Death Do You Part… Unless You Are One of the 50%…

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My daughter recently became engaged. On the outside I said, “congratulations!” On the inside my heart skipped a few beats.

Ever since I discovered my husband was addicted to pornagraphy, I have been learning all I can. I have read on various websites that 70% of men 18-24 visit pornographic websites each month. As a mother, I want to protect my daughter! How do I ask her, “So, have you asked fiancé how often he looks at porn?”

Since my husband has not felt comfortable sharing his addiction with friends or family yet, my daughter doesn’t know. I am back to the point where I just wish he would tell everyone. It is one way to find out who his true friends are.

This week his parents came to dinner and asked if we were coming to the Father’s Day party next weekend with extended family at five. I confirmed we would be there, but would leave at 6:30 because we had a meeting at 7:00. Apparently his parents noticed from Mother’s Day and Easter that we have a lot of meetings Sunday night. When his mother inquired what kind of meeting it was, I looked at my husband at the BBQ on the other side of the sliding glass door, looked back into the faces of my dear in-laws that I love, and replied, “You don’t want to know.”

Sunday’s and Wednesday’s are group days. He goes to the addict group. I go to the support group. Do his parents want to know? Maybe. Does my husband want them to know? Probably not.

So we will continue to play this cloak and dagger game. I will pray for my husband to have the courage some day to be honest with the people who love him.

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