You Can’t Give Me What I Want

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(Rated PG-13 for Intimate References)

  
Even though the discovery of my husbands porn addiction has killed most of my desire for physical intimacy, I recognize its importance in a marriage, and purposely try to jump-start my desire regularly by:

* Recreating old romantic memories as a surprise 

* Reminiscing with him on date night about our favorite encounters

* Watching a sappy romantic movie in bed (kind of tacky, but simple to plan)

Our last intimate encounter began with gentle cuddling and kissing which slowly progressed to the point where both of us were ravenous. I gasped, “What do you want?” He replied, “You can’t give me what I want.”

  

(beeeeeeeep)

My husband and I are middle aged. He is not as lean as he used to be, and I have a knee injury. The knee makes it painful for me to ‘ride’, although I have played the cowgirl because he likes it. For the last year or so, though, he is too round for me to straddle him. A half-squat half-straddle gives me the traction I need, but is even more painful than than just trying to ride. We have talked about the pain of this position.

  
When I looked at him, he explained,“I want you to ride me, but you can’t do that.”

OUCH. Then why bring it up?  That’s like me telling him, “I want you to earn more money, but you can’t do that.”

This is where I’m supposed to describe what I have learned, and turn this post into a positive experience. This time, dear readers, the positive outlook will have to come from your comments. Although, as always, I welcome any comments.

HONESTY:

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Step 1:

Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:

  1. Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
  2. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?

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I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.

Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.imageI swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing.¬†Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him ūüė¶

I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…

My Sexy Side Packed Her Bags…

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… And Went On Vacation Without ME!!!

Made with Repix (http://repix.it)

Yesterday my husband mentioned how long it has been since we made love. I was surprised at the length of time… not only because I generally have more of an appetite than he does… but because I hadn’t even noticed it had been so long.

When I first discovered he was a porn addict, some of our intimacy patterns suddenly made sense…

* His genitals are his only erogenous zone.
* Sometimes he is unable to achieve an erection.
* He avoids intimacy if he has been home alone for a while.
* Other times he said he had an orgasm, but his body gave no sign during lovemaking, and there is no evidence of ‘his seed’.

For the last two years while we both attended addiction recovery groups I fought really hard to at least maintain the physical intimacy we shared. However when I recently discovered he was REGULARLY relapsing, and lying about his sobriety date, something changed inside me.

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Obviously it is important we share physical intimacy. It is just so hurtful that at bedtime he would rather roll towards the wall, put his earphones in so he doesn’t ‘keep me awake’, tell me he is listening to music on his iphone, and gorge on pornography instead ūüė® ¬†More and more I find myself curled up alone on my side of the mattress.

I need an aphrodisiac.

 

 

 

Hope

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It is what we are all looking for… what oftentimes eludes us.

After reviewing yesterday’s post I wished I would have demonstrated even a granule¬†of hope. Pretending to feel positive emotions to please the reader, however, is for works of fiction. This site is about being real.


That’s not to say I can’t give hope… It just might not be every¬†post… Or even every other¬†post.

As tomorrow is Mothers Day, I have hope in tomorrow:

– Hope that my grown children will call me

– Hope that the children at home will be kind

– Hope that our children will escape the influences of this addiction

 

YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH…

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… and the truth shall set you FREE?

I am sad to say that this week I am certainly not feeling very free. Two years ago I discovered my husband was a porn addict, and began attending a recovery program for spouses. He began attending a 12 Step program.

We have never gotten to the point where he is willing to talk about his addiction, so I am trying to be patient and encouraging. Each week he tells me how many days sober he is. I can’t explain why, but lately… I just knew he was lying. My gentle inquiries were met with firm denial, “I’m doing great.”

A while later I was scrutinizing our Verizon bill because somehow our data usage had tripled. (One guess which phone it was.) He apologized and explained he had been watching YouTube videos on guns during work breaks.


I hate it when the addict lies to me. Especially when it’s so damn obvious, and he thinks he is sooooo smooth.

In support group they tell us not to spy on our man because it will drive us crazy. I respect that. However, I was also really sick of listening to him brag about a sobriety date in the hundreds that was a complete and total LIE. Mostly, I just wanted to know if the past two years was just a stack of lies. Thirty seconds on his iPhone showed enough open windows accessing pornagraphy to destroy any positive thing he has ever said about his ‘recovery’.

The THORN of Porn

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I started a new class at the gym, so yesterday I was late getting home. The dirty dishes on the table announced that everyone else was there, but only my husband could be seen, still in the dining room, fiddling with one of his guns.

I understand that children need to be reminded to get their dishes in the dishwasher. Nothing tips me over the edge faster than returning to a dirty kitchen, and the other parent ‘on duty’ is not directing the little devils.

I was tired and hungry, and in a snotty tone huffed, “I guess I will clean up the kitchen. ” He stood up, but I was already gathering dishes, quickly rinsing, and slamming them into the dishwasher. He called for the son in charge of the kitchen, but I was already wiping off the counters and washing out the sink. Our daughter walked in with the mop so I retired to the master bedroom.

He came to bed three hours before the morning alarm. THREE HOURS! Of course I was long asleep, but that was the point. He didn’t want to see me so he waited. If there was any way he could sneak in bed without raising my awareness enough to look at the clock, believe me, he would!

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Today I come home to roses, and I am furious. We have discussed that flowers are not an apology! Give them to express love, appreciation, celebration…

Then I remembered… Oh yea… We can’t talk about issues.

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My husband is a porn addict, still new in the recovery process. Arguing is a trigger, so we just don’t. I am too afraid to talk about anything controversial right now.

That is the THORN of PORN: Recovery takes time, but stress can cause a relapse, so while he spends years recovering, don’t stress him out…

Gratitude

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Recently I considered auditioning for the next NyQuil commercial. My immune system’s preparation was allowing me to experience a tenacious virus that has left me in a horizontal state all weekend.

My sweet husband has been fabulous; cooking, fetching beverages, doing dishes. He even ran to the store for hummus and Emergen-C.

He also sat next to me on the couch, stroked my unwashed hair and ignored my protests to quarantine me. Why would he expose himself to the plague any more than necessary?

Because in spite of his addiction, he loves me. He knows when I am very sick physical touch is EXACTLY what I want.

One thing that has been difficult about the discovery of his porn addiction is my love language is physical touch. Initially, when I was hurting, the last thing I wanted was to be touched in any way. Thankfully as I have begun to heal we have discovered a new intimacy. Part of my healing was his understanding that physical touch is just as important when we are not making love.

I am so thankful I am married to a man who is willing to be sick next week so I can feel less miserable now. Next week I will be a great nurse too.

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