WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

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I can see that my husband is trying very hard to improve our relationship. He made plans for us to go out this weekend. He even sent me a loving text in the middle of the day.

So What’s the Problem?

I am afraid… afraid that he is on his best behavior that won’t last… afraid that the more I open my heart the more he will hurt me… afraid that he is just going through the motions…


Why Would He Just Go Through The Motions?

Maybe it is easier than the financial hardship of divorce? Maybe he is trying to ‘fake it until you make it’.

I question if a porn addict knows what love really is. Since he is desensitized and detached, can he actually feel for someone else?

I want to believe he can.💛 

HONESTY:

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Step 1:

Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:

  1. Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
  2. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?

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I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.

Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.imageI swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦

I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…

Becoming Personal

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One idea many addicts justify behavior with is, “It isn’t personal.”


Since physical intimacy in a relationship is personal… VERY PERSONAL… this is how a partners pornagraphy addiction becomes personal:

– when the addicts initiation of physical intimacy with his partner is consistently low because he is frequently satisfying himself.

– when the addict rejects physical intimacy invitations from his partner because he recently satisfied himself in the bathroom.

– when the addict can no longer be aroused by human interaction with his partner and invites digital partners into the bedroom.

You might be a lingerie loser if…

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Today at work I kept thinking my bra strap felt too tight. The chocolate covered raisins on New Years couldn’t do that much damage, but after lunch I decided to go into the restroom and unhook my double-barreled torture device… and discovered I was wearing two instead of one! That’s right! I was so tired when I got dressed this morning I put a bra on, forgot, and put on another.

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One of the problems of my husbands porn addiction is my new attitude about lingerie. When I first found out I donated all of my wardrobe. As we have tried to work on our marriage my taste for bedroom clothing has not returned.

I am so out of touch with women’s underclothing I didn’t even notice my mistake this morning. I guess he will just have to be patient for a while…

Family can be an ‘F’ word…

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A few months ago my recovering-porn-addict-husband confessed to my siblings his addiction. He was terrified, but felt as part of his recovery it was the right thing to do.

My family is a conservative Christian family; the kind that believes in “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged…” ( St. Luke 6:37 ) He knew some of them would be uncomfortable and struggle, but had every reason to believe these atonement-relying disciples of Christ would eventually love and accept him as before.

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Unfortunately the Financial Matriarch of my family instead has decided that I am no longer worthy of my inheritance. Sigh.

Of course, I do not have the right to judge my sister in charge of the estate. It hurts to be outcast by people I love for my husbands misdeeds, though.