WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

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I can see that my husband is trying very hard to improve our relationship. He made plans for us to go out this weekend. He even sent me a loving text in the middle of the day.

So What’s the Problem?

I am afraid… afraid that he is on his best behavior that won’t last… afraid that the more I open my heart the more he will hurt me… afraid that he is just going through the motions…


Why Would He Just Go Through The Motions?

Maybe it is easier than the financial hardship of divorce? Maybe he is trying to ‘fake it until you make it’.

I question if a porn addict knows what love really is. Since he is desensitized and detached, can he actually feel for someone else?

I want to believe he can.💛 

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HONESTY:

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Step 1:

Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:

  1. Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
  2. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?

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I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.

Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.imageI swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦

I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…

Becoming Personal

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One idea many addicts justify behavior with is, “It isn’t personal.”


Since physical intimacy in a relationship is personal… VERY PERSONAL… this is how a partners pornagraphy addiction becomes personal:

– when the addicts initiation of physical intimacy with his partner is consistently low because he is frequently satisfying himself.

– when the addict rejects physical intimacy invitations from his partner because he recently satisfied himself in the bathroom.

– when the addict can no longer be aroused by human interaction with his partner and invites digital partners into the bedroom.

Hope

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It is what we are all looking for… what oftentimes eludes us.

After reviewing yesterday’s post I wished I would have demonstrated even a granule of hope. Pretending to feel positive emotions to please the reader, however, is for works of fiction. This site is about being real.


That’s not to say I can’t give hope… It just might not be every post… Or even every other post.

As tomorrow is Mothers Day, I have hope in tomorrow:

– Hope that my grown children will call me

– Hope that the children at home will be kind

– Hope that our children will escape the influences of this addiction

 

YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH…

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… and the truth shall set you FREE?

I am sad to say that this week I am certainly not feeling very free. Two years ago I discovered my husband was a porn addict, and began attending a recovery program for spouses. He began attending a 12 Step program.

We have never gotten to the point where he is willing to talk about his addiction, so I am trying to be patient and encouraging. Each week he tells me how many days sober he is. I can’t explain why, but lately… I just knew he was lying. My gentle inquiries were met with firm denial, “I’m doing great.”

A while later I was scrutinizing our Verizon bill because somehow our data usage had tripled. (One guess which phone it was.) He apologized and explained he had been watching YouTube videos on guns during work breaks.


I hate it when the addict lies to me. Especially when it’s so damn obvious, and he thinks he is sooooo smooth.

In support group they tell us not to spy on our man because it will drive us crazy. I respect that. However, I was also really sick of listening to him brag about a sobriety date in the hundreds that was a complete and total LIE. Mostly, I just wanted to know if the past two years was just a stack of lies. Thirty seconds on his iPhone showed enough open windows accessing pornagraphy to destroy any positive thing he has ever said about his ‘recovery’.

New Life & Dead End

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When most of us find out our partner has a porn addiction it is immediately clear the life we shared is not what we thought it was. Soon thereafter we ask the next question, “What will our life be now?”IMG_1085.PNG

When I first discovered my husbands dirty little secret, when I was overcome with anger and bitterness, I didn’t know what I wanted for my new life. I didn’t know if he belonged in it.

An addict in recovery is carving out a new life every minute of every day… but a life with limitations and a few dead ends:

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Meetings: Addiction recovery meetings are WONDERFUL… necessary in my opinion… but reality is the time commitment is substantial… especially when the addict is struggling and attends daily. My husband and I have missed a lot of social gatherings for group meetings.

Family: Not everyone agrees with the increasing number of studies around the globe on the dangers of pornography. Extended family functions become very unpleasant when in front of everyone siblings encourage an addict to, “ditch the conservative religious freak spouse because there is nothing wrong with you.”

There is definitely a learning curve for the people who love the addict to learn about pornography addiction. It is appropriate to be kind and patient while they learn. If, however, the addict is really seeking recovery, and extended family members or friends are trying to persuade otherwise, the addict may choose to limit an unhealthy relationship. If the other party is offended it can mean the end of family party invitations.

Vacations: Some porn addicts are not triggered by copious amounts of nearly naked bodies on a beach, but some are. An addict dedicated to recovery may need to skip some recreational spots, at least for a while.

Electronic Devices: One problem with pornography is the easy availability. Every person with a smart phone has a porn player in their pocket! A porn addict surfing the Internet can be like an alcoholic walking into a bar. Addicts may need to cancel cable and find a ‘dumb’ phone during recovery. Lack of cable frustrates everyone in our house during football season.

S O S

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When I began this blog I was drowning… just trying to make it one more day… every day.

Things were very dark for a while and I stopped posting. (I guess I was sick of my own sadness.) Instead of whining on WordPress daily I rejoined my favorite gym.

I don’t know all of the reasons why, but this helped our marriage. It is NOT related to my physical appearance because – truth be told – it is a gradual process.

Leaving the house every morning at 5:30 so I can exercise before work reminded me that I have to take care of me, and my husband has to take care of him.

The physical strain helps release much of my stress and resentment.

My tired muscles also make it easier to fall asleep at night instead of worrying.

Things in our marriage are not all healed… but we are working on it… going to group… and working more.

I feel like I am finally in a place where I can help other loved ones of porn addicts who are hurting. If you need a cyber hug, please give a shout.