You Can’t Give Me What I Want

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(Rated PG-13 for Intimate References)

  
Even though the discovery of my husbands porn addiction has killed most of my desire for physical intimacy, I recognize its importance in a marriage, and purposely try to jump-start my desire regularly by:

* Recreating old romantic memories as a surprise 

* Reminiscing with him on date night about our favorite encounters

* Watching a sappy romantic movie in bed (kind of tacky, but simple to plan)

Our last intimate encounter began with gentle cuddling and kissing which slowly progressed to the point where both of us were ravenous. I gasped, “What do you want?” He replied, “You can’t give me what I want.”

  

(beeeeeeeep)

My husband and I are middle aged. He is not as lean as he used to be, and I have a knee injury. The knee makes it painful for me to ‘ride’, although I have played the cowgirl because he likes it. For the last year or so, though, he is too round for me to straddle him. A half-squat half-straddle gives me the traction I need, but is even more painful than than just trying to ride. We have talked about the pain of this position.

  
When I looked at him, he explained,“I want you to ride me, but you can’t do that.”

OUCH. Then why bring it up?  That’s like me telling him, “I want you to earn more money, but you can’t do that.”

This is where I’m supposed to describe what I have learned, and turn this post into a positive experience. This time, dear readers, the positive outlook will have to come from your comments. Although, as always, I welcome any comments.

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WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

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I can see that my husband is trying very hard to improve our relationship. He made plans for us to go out this weekend. He even sent me a loving text in the middle of the day.

So What’s the Problem?

I am afraid… afraid that he is on his best behavior that won’t last… afraid that the more I open my heart the more he will hurt me… afraid that he is just going through the motions…


Why Would He Just Go Through The Motions?

Maybe it is easier than the financial hardship of divorce? Maybe he is trying to ‘fake it until you make it’.

I question if a porn addict knows what love really is. Since he is desensitized and detached, can he actually feel for someone else?

I want to believe he can.💛 

HONESTY:

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Step 1:

Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:

  1. Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
  2. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?

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I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.

Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.imageI swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦

I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…

Becoming Personal

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One idea many addicts justify behavior with is, “It isn’t personal.”


Since physical intimacy in a relationship is personal… VERY PERSONAL… this is how a partners pornagraphy addiction becomes personal:

– when the addicts initiation of physical intimacy with his partner is consistently low because he is frequently satisfying himself.

– when the addict rejects physical intimacy invitations from his partner because he recently satisfied himself in the bathroom.

– when the addict can no longer be aroused by human interaction with his partner and invites digital partners into the bedroom.

My Sexy Side Packed Her Bags…

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… And Went On Vacation Without ME!!!

Made with Repix (http://repix.it)

Yesterday my husband mentioned how long it has been since we made love. I was surprised at the length of time… not only because I generally have more of an appetite than he does… but because I hadn’t even noticed it had been so long.

When I first discovered he was a porn addict, some of our intimacy patterns suddenly made sense…

* His genitals are his only erogenous zone.
* Sometimes he is unable to achieve an erection.
* He avoids intimacy if he has been home alone for a while.
* Other times he said he had an orgasm, but his body gave no sign during lovemaking, and there is no evidence of ‘his seed’.

For the last two years while we both attended addiction recovery groups I fought really hard to at least maintain the physical intimacy we shared. However when I recently discovered he was REGULARLY relapsing, and lying about his sobriety date, something changed inside me.

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Obviously it is important we share physical intimacy. It is just so hurtful that at bedtime he would rather roll towards the wall, put his earphones in so he doesn’t ‘keep me awake’, tell me he is listening to music on his iphone, and gorge on pornography instead 😨  More and more I find myself curled up alone on my side of the mattress.

I need an aphrodisiac.

 

 

 

Hope

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It is what we are all looking for… what oftentimes eludes us.

After reviewing yesterday’s post I wished I would have demonstrated even a granule of hope. Pretending to feel positive emotions to please the reader, however, is for works of fiction. This site is about being real.


That’s not to say I can’t give hope… It just might not be every post… Or even every other post.

As tomorrow is Mothers Day, I have hope in tomorrow:

– Hope that my grown children will call me

– Hope that the children at home will be kind

– Hope that our children will escape the influences of this addiction

 

New Life & Dead End

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When most of us find out our partner has a porn addiction it is immediately clear the life we shared is not what we thought it was. Soon thereafter we ask the next question, “What will our life be now?”IMG_1085.PNG

When I first discovered my husbands dirty little secret, when I was overcome with anger and bitterness, I didn’t know what I wanted for my new life. I didn’t know if he belonged in it.

An addict in recovery is carving out a new life every minute of every day… but a life with limitations and a few dead ends:

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Meetings: Addiction recovery meetings are WONDERFUL… necessary in my opinion… but reality is the time commitment is substantial… especially when the addict is struggling and attends daily. My husband and I have missed a lot of social gatherings for group meetings.

Family: Not everyone agrees with the increasing number of studies around the globe on the dangers of pornography. Extended family functions become very unpleasant when in front of everyone siblings encourage an addict to, “ditch the conservative religious freak spouse because there is nothing wrong with you.”

There is definitely a learning curve for the people who love the addict to learn about pornography addiction. It is appropriate to be kind and patient while they learn. If, however, the addict is really seeking recovery, and extended family members or friends are trying to persuade otherwise, the addict may choose to limit an unhealthy relationship. If the other party is offended it can mean the end of family party invitations.

Vacations: Some porn addicts are not triggered by copious amounts of nearly naked bodies on a beach, but some are. An addict dedicated to recovery may need to skip some recreational spots, at least for a while.

Electronic Devices: One problem with pornography is the easy availability. Every person with a smart phone has a porn player in their pocket! A porn addict surfing the Internet can be like an alcoholic walking into a bar. Addicts may need to cancel cable and find a ‘dumb’ phone during recovery. Lack of cable frustrates everyone in our house during football season.