HONESTY:

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Step 1:

Part of my frustration is my husband is still on step one in the addiction recovery program… Which consists of two parts:

  1. Admit that you are powerless to overcome pornography.
  2. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

It begs the question… Does he really think he can stop any time he likes? Or is his life just not ‘unmanageable’ or ‘miserable’ enough for him to make a change?

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I can see how unmanageable his life is. His family relationships are in shambles. He doesn’t have any close friends. He can’t advocate for himself at work. Some of his children are also addicted to pornography.

Since our recent ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting where I pointed out that he had been lying to me for a long, looong, looooong time about his sobriety date, I don’t believe a single word he says about his addiction recovery success… and because I do not have a good poker face… he knows it.imageI swear I am not getting in his face and pointing my finger between his eyes. I usually just listen and say nothing. Nevertheless my unbelief is just as offensive to him 😦

I really believe that part of the recovery process for the addict is recognizing he has been a JERK and a LIAR and the people who love them have the right to be a little skeptical until they can begin to see a change…

My Sexy Side Packed Her Bags…

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… And Went On Vacation Without ME!!!

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Yesterday my husband mentioned how long it has been since we made love. I was surprised at the length of time… not only because I generally have more of an appetite than he does… but because I hadn’t even noticed it had been so long.

When I first discovered he was a porn addict, some of our intimacy patterns suddenly made sense…

* His genitals are his only erogenous zone.
* Sometimes he is unable to achieve an erection.
* He avoids intimacy if he has been home alone for a while.
* Other times he said he had an orgasm, but his body gave no sign during lovemaking, and there is no evidence of ‘his seed’.

For the last two years while we both attended addiction recovery groups I fought really hard to at least maintain the physical intimacy we shared. However when I recently discovered he was REGULARLY relapsing, and lying about his sobriety date, something changed inside me.

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Obviously it is important we share physical intimacy. It is just so hurtful that at bedtime he would rather roll towards the wall, put his earphones in so he doesn’t ‘keep me awake’, tell me he is listening to music on his iphone, and gorge on pornography instead 😨  More and more I find myself curled up alone on my side of the mattress.

I need an aphrodisiac.

 

 

 

Gratitude

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Recently I considered auditioning for the next NyQuil commercial. My immune system’s preparation was allowing me to experience a tenacious virus that has left me in a horizontal state all weekend.

My sweet husband has been fabulous; cooking, fetching beverages, doing dishes. He even ran to the store for hummus and Emergen-C.

He also sat next to me on the couch, stroked my unwashed hair and ignored my protests to quarantine me. Why would he expose himself to the plague any more than necessary?

Because in spite of his addiction, he loves me. He knows when I am very sick physical touch is EXACTLY what I want.

One thing that has been difficult about the discovery of his porn addiction is my love language is physical touch. Initially, when I was hurting, the last thing I wanted was to be touched in any way. Thankfully as I have begun to heal we have discovered a new intimacy. Part of my healing was his understanding that physical touch is just as important when we are not making love.

I am so thankful I am married to a man who is willing to be sick next week so I can feel less miserable now. Next week I will be a great nurse too.

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S O S

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When I began this blog I was drowning… just trying to make it one more day… every day.

Things were very dark for a while and I stopped posting. (I guess I was sick of my own sadness.) Instead of whining on WordPress daily I rejoined my favorite gym.

I don’t know all of the reasons why, but this helped our marriage. It is NOT related to my physical appearance because – truth be told – it is a gradual process.

Leaving the house every morning at 5:30 so I can exercise before work reminded me that I have to take care of me, and my husband has to take care of him.

The physical strain helps release much of my stress and resentment.

My tired muscles also make it easier to fall asleep at night instead of worrying.

Things in our marriage are not all healed… but we are working on it… going to group… and working more.

I feel like I am finally in a place where I can help other loved ones of porn addicts who are hurting. If you need a cyber hug, please give a shout.

Father’s Day Fantasies (Rated PG for Sexual Innuendos and Vocabulary)

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This year for Father’s Day I gave my husband what almost every husband always wants. Let me go back…

This spring I discovered my husband was addicted to pornagraphy. He is in recovery, attending group twice a week, and he has told me his sobriety date…

Since he has been sober, his longevity in our bedroom playtime has decreased a little. I believe this is because he is not master-bating like he used to. The truth is, as long as we are both satisfied, I don’t see this as a problem.

Father’s Day morning when I surprised him, he was very pleased, but for the first time in weeks his longevity was more like it used to be. I know there are many physical or emotional reasons he could last longer. I, however, began to panic. Did he slip and not tell me? Is he struggling in his recovery? Is he too afraid to tell me?

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I do know that these kinds of doubts are driving me iNsAnE!

Is it possible to ask for reassurance without hurting his feelings?
Is this a ‘let go and let God’ thing?

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Till Death Do You Part… Unless You Are One of the 50%…

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My daughter recently became engaged. On the outside I said, “congratulations!” On the inside my heart skipped a few beats.

Ever since I discovered my husband was addicted to pornagraphy, I have been learning all I can. I have read on various websites that 70% of men 18-24 visit pornographic websites each month. As a mother, I want to protect my daughter! How do I ask her, “So, have you asked fiancé how often he looks at porn?”

Since my husband has not felt comfortable sharing his addiction with friends or family yet, my daughter doesn’t know. I am back to the point where I just wish he would tell everyone. It is one way to find out who his true friends are.

This week his parents came to dinner and asked if we were coming to the Father’s Day party next weekend with extended family at five. I confirmed we would be there, but would leave at 6:30 because we had a meeting at 7:00. Apparently his parents noticed from Mother’s Day and Easter that we have a lot of meetings Sunday night. When his mother inquired what kind of meeting it was, I looked at my husband at the BBQ on the other side of the sliding glass door, looked back into the faces of my dear in-laws that I love, and replied, “You don’t want to know.”

Sunday’s and Wednesday’s are group days. He goes to the addict group. I go to the support group. Do his parents want to know? Maybe. Does my husband want them to know? Probably not.

So we will continue to play this cloak and dagger game. I will pray for my husband to have the courage some day to be honest with the people who love him.

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Just Listen to the Little Ones

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Just Listen to the Little Ones

Yesterday we visited my parents tombstone at the cemetery, and gathered with extended family for a BBQ. I am so blessed with some of the most amazing sisters:)

After the water-fight most of the adults gathered in the shade for watermelon. As I looked at these women I love I thought of some of the struggles they have faced, and wondered if they too had struggles they didn’t mention. When we were girls we certainly didn’t keep secrets from each other. Sometimes marriage and family can change that a little.

I looked at my nieces and nephews. With my new awareness of statistics, I wondered if any of them were trapped by the monster of addiction. If the numbers hold true, some should be. What could I do to help these sweet children who are old enough be become trapped, but not old enough to understand the consequences?

I can listen. I can be a friend. I can demonstrate my love for them. As many of them embark into adulthood, I will pray that if they are ever in need of help and are unable to speak to a parent, that they will feel comfortable speaking to me.